Such a Strong Word
by EtherealShadow
Summary: Each time I think you've finally taken every single thing I have to give, you discover something else to rip away from me and claim for your own. Joshua/Neku


I uploaded this a few months ago on LJ and figured I'd throw it up here, too. Minor cussing, certainly nothing hair-curling. Enjoy!

* * *

I can't forgive you.

You've taken everything, _everything_ I have away from me. My life. My pride. My faith in people, raw and untried and still growing.

I fool myself into thinking that you've given me something in return. Shibuya is crisp and clean to my eyes now. The blaring of car horns… the pulsing of the music blasting out of the video screens splashed across the buildings at Scramble… the random flyers lying discarded in alleyways and gutters, trampled and dirty and forgotten… They all matter. I may not care about them, but they _matter_. Each ganguro that waltzes by in her heels screeching into her cell phone in wild slang, each pigeon that perches on top of Hachiko's head, each little flyer, they are all Shibuya.

I am Shibuya, too. I understand that now, after everything. The world is what we make it. It is only small and dull and constricting if _we_ make it that way. I've come to realize this because of your screwed up Game… because of you.

But no matter how many times you paint an over ugly wall, the paint eventually peels and flakes away to reveal what's really there underneath. Is it really compensation enough for everything you've stolen away in return?

I can hear your arrogant giggle in my head; you're probably somewhere listening to this right now, aren't you? I wouldn't be surprised. Like a little child with his toys, you've made it abundantly clear that everything belongs to you and you refuse to share.

You take and you keep on taking. You don't know how to do anything else, do you? Each time I think you've finally taken every single thing I have to give, you discover something else to rip away from me and claim for your own. Arrogant. Greedy. Selfish.

I hate you, bastard.

Go on, say it. I know you want to. The words dance on your lips, there's that little smirk on your face and eyes are lit with amusement. _Hate is such a strong word, Neku. Hee hee._ And I'll repeat it over and over and over again, uselessly, because you and I both know that I don't mean it, not like I so desperately pretend I do, not when it really matters.

Taking my life from me is the least of all the things you've done. What kills me is that you knew what you were doing all along. I'm just a toy to you, something to throw away when you get bored.

Shooting me that first time in front of CAT's mural… I can forgive you for that. Screwing with me, using me like I was nothing… I can forgive you for that, too. Even for that last little game of ours, for handing me a gun and telling me to shoot you when you knew damn well that I never would. Even for giving me that moment to hear the blast of the gun and see the bullet come speeding toward me as I once again died at your hands. I can forgive you for that.

Even for letting me see in your eyes that you _wanted_ me to pull the trigger.

It's hard. I hate you so much that sometimes I want to scream. I hate you, but I can forgive you for all that, because it's really not your fault. I'm stupid. I let you take all of me and more, I _let_ you strip me down to the marrow and then offer that up on a silver platter too, arranged in a pretty pattern just to please you.

Trust your partner.

Shibuya hums, it throbs, it creates a screeching cacophony loud enough to deafen me but I can finally hear how it blends together into the sweetest symphony. The sun is warm, people brush by me on all sides. Up ahead Shiki is stretching up and waving frantically, as though I could possibly miss seeing her. Beat is standing just a foot away hollering a greeting at the top of his lungs while simultaneously swearing at some guy who accidentally bumped into Rhyme, calling him a pervert and a dirty old man and all manner of other unmentionable things while Rhyme tries in vain to tug on his arm and get him to calm down. I wave back and continue threading my way through the crowds, gaze lingering for a moment on Hachiko as your voice fills my ears.

I hate you for jerking me around like a puppet dancing on strings, making me dance for your own sick enjoyment. I hate you for making me smile at them and laugh and be happy while Shibuya thrives all around us.

I did trust you. I _do_ trust you, and I hate you for it. Because I can't forgive you for some things. I can't forgive you for taking everything and then demanding the biggest price of all. I can't forgive you for breaking my trust that one, final time. I looked into your eyes and I trusted everything that was left of me, broken and shattered, to you.

One final betrayal that cuts so much deeper than all the rest, the one thing you know I'll never forgive you for: giving me life, sparing Shibuya and sending me back out there to laugh and cry and live like nothing had happened.

I hate you for thinking I would ever want to exist in a world without you.


End file.
